The Logic of #NotAllMen

  1. Woman/Feminist makes statement or presents facts about their experience with patriarchy and how it harms them.
  2. “But feminists are the problem”, the buzz begins. “Feminists are man haters.”, the buzz claims.
  3. Okay, but do you know why? Because historically, and even if you just ask around, most women have been victims. Most of their abusers/harassers were men. Of the men who have been victims, most of their abusers/harassers were men. Literally just ask 10 men and 10 women you know. You can gather the data yourself.
  4. “Okay but not all men. It’s only some men.”, the buzz replies.
  1. It shifts focus away from the gay man’s experience and makes it about the straight man. When this gay man is talking about his experience, it is not the place for the straight man to begin defending himself and other non homophobic straight men. This conversation is not about those people. This straight man is shoving the gay man off the stage to declare that his own problem of being unfairly targeted needs immediate attention. If you want to talk about being unfairly targeted, please do it on your own time, straight man. Not while someone else is talking.
  2. It compares mountains and molehills. It focuses on the straight man feeling targeted. Feeling uncomfortable during a difficult conversation is not the same as being repeatedly discriminated against, targeted, and harassed. If the straight man is feeling the itch of a mosquito bite, the gay man is feeling the agony of a bullet wound.
  3. It erases the victim’s lived experience. Telling the gay man that he needs to drop years of trauma and always assume the best of people who have repeatedly harmed him is asking an impossible thing. Over the years, he has learned that any straight man could be homophobic, even if not all of them are. He needs to protect himself accordingly. Why is that so difficult to understand?
  4. It shifts focus away from talking about the guilty to defending the innocent. But no one is attacking the innocent at all. If an innocent person knows they’re innocent, that’s the end of the story. The victim is speaking about their experiences with those who are guilty of homophobia. If you are not homophobic, why are you making the conversation about you? It was never about you.




Actor, Struggler, Agony Aunt

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Urvashi H.V.

Urvashi H.V.

Actor, Struggler, Agony Aunt

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